i found the best place to write these few words, sardegna italy,
the sun and sea tend to clear your mind,
i feel the inner peace, i feel i can do anything.
in london, under the strong influence of a book, i divided relationships into:
classic relationships and romantic relationships.
what i mean by a classic relationship is that it is not easily definable,
it is usually what you feel about a relationship from your past that you can examine with your head free of all the strong emotions involved in that relationship.
i said usually from the past because my last 2 years have been an ongoing classic relationship,
this period wasn’t ment as a test of the concept or an attempt to find a definition, it was just a phase of my life that changed me deeply.
the romantic relationship is the relationship everyone knows about
you go in head first, you don’t care what happens,
you love the other person and that’s all that matters,
the relationship that takes your breath away,
the main characteristic is that you act only on impulse,
you leave your analytic brain aside,
i’m going to tell you more about this classic phase and how it began.
it has brought me great pleasure, it enabled a free life style that i love,
it gave me the peace of mind that i craved for,
and last but not least, i have discovered what great sex is.
but also it has brought me sorrow, there were moments of loneliness, hard to bear.
it all began from my desire to be the sweet, caring, affectionate human who craves real connection and lasting, meaningful relationships,
that ends up in hurting my partners because of my actions.
a big step, in understanding this, was realising that flirting is the social behavior that brings me the most pleasure.
can you flirt while engaged in a long relationship?, sure you can.
will this flirting hurt your partner?, sure it will.
i tried talking with my partners about this and it only made things worse,
the initial partner response was a set of questions: why do you need thi?
the answer: it brings me immense pleasure,
the next question: am i doing something wrong?
answer: no you aren’t, i love you and i love being with you,
question: what can i do to make you quit doing this?
answer: nothing, it is not about you, i love you the way you are,
question: why this egoist behavior, don’t you understand this hurts me?
answer: i really don’t know, i do it without thinking, it’s deep within my nature.
starting a new life in london also gave me the oportunity to search for a type of girl that would satisfy,
a girl that has the same, classical way of thinking, that has the same way of looking at flirting,
as a result the way i flirt changed a lot, and i lost some of the fun i had before.
i want to be more careful to signals of how that girl’s mind will be in a long relationship.
what i found out is that i still rely on romantic impulses to find the girls i like,
impulses that make me open a conversation with a girl that i just know.
i found myself trapped in this pattern of girls, the pattern set by what i like in a girl,
trapped because i feel that i can love them but i know that it will all end in the same way as the other relationships.
these two years of experiencing this have taught me that:
the idea that one person’s mind is accessible to another is just an illusion,
a conversational illusion, just a figure of speech,
an assumption that makes plausible some kind of an emotional exchange between two strangers.
the real conclusion of my sardegna\london thoughts is that:
the relationship of one person with another is, in the end, unknowable.
the effort of understanding this relationship, of understanding what is in another person’s mind creates a distortion of what you really experience.
trying to do this i have distorted the way i flirt, I robbed myself of the pleasure that i was seeking in the first place.
